類別:/文學小說.
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ACTS OF DESPERATION: A Novel
我渴望愛,我有罪
版本: 2021 年 3 月  Jonathan Cape出版
內容介紹

女人渴望愛情,但如果這份渴望是種成癮,沒有愛情的滋潤女人覺得生命不再真實那會是什麼樣的情景? 如果如果女人找到了生命中的男人,她卻驚覺這段關係並沒有帶給她想像中的救贖,她又該如何是好?

《我渴望愛,我有罪》是以第一人稱書寫的小說,帶領讀者踏上一段愛與毀滅的旅程。主角揭露著她與男友夏蘭(Ciaran)的感情,透過一連串的自我對話,揭露當代社會對愛與親密的種種問題。

是真的嗎?女人需要擁有一位深愛她的男性,才能讓她像個「完整的人」,才能有價值的生活?那當女人用盡氣力贏的這份愛的時候,赫然發現這並不能彌補她心中的空缺,又該如何是好?這份沮喪又將帶給這位女人和物化她、操控她的男人怎麼樣的影響?

「孩提時代之後,我的心中便沒了信仰,取而代之的是對愛強大的信念,灌溉我的心田滋養靈魂茁壯。對我而言愛是個極大的安慰,但愛在我骯髒的生命裡燎原而燃燒殆盡,甚麼也沒有留下。不過,這是人人都得面對的事情,如同一股可以清淨自身的力量,這樣的存在讓人覺得一切都值得。」

「我們內心已分裂,相距太遠,我知道我和夏蘭的關係是怪異的、不穩定且不對等,也許身邊的人察覺到這個現象時,不免會感到疑惑與沮喪,令人感到不安。但我自己卻不這麼認為!因為只有那些無法真正看到現實背後真實的人,才會產生那樣的想法。」

《我渴望愛,我有罪》以女性心靈與內在自剖的主題為主軸,用獨特的內文書寫手法使得書中主角躍然紙上,所有文中的事件彷彿正在讀者眼前上演,而我們正是故事中一連串情節的目擊者。毀滅性的自白、清晰的批判,從故事開始到結束,作者的不間斷的自剖,將為每位讀者帶來前所未有的震撼。

近期麗莎·塔迪奧(Lisa Taddeo)在2019年出版的非小說類書籍《三個女人》,獲得廣大迴響,這便說明以女性內心的渴望為主題的書籍擁有廣大讀者群。同時,著有《聊天記錄》、《正常人》的薩莉·魯尼(Sally Rooney)提醒我們,最引人入勝的故事往往來自簡而有力的情節,正如一段分秒開展的愛情故事。《溫柔之歌》作者蕾拉.司利馬尼(Leïla Slimani)則充分證明一個女人的黑暗、優雅、勇敢的私生活也能成為暢銷之作!

作者介紹

梅根.諾蘭(Megan Nolan), 1990年生於沃特福德(Waterford),她的創作包含散文、小說和一些書評,可散見於《紐約時報》、《白色評論》、《星期日泰晤士報》、《鄉村之聲》與《衛報》。英國報紙《i》、Huck雙月刊(Huck Magazine)與《新政治家》(New Statesman)則有他的固定專欄。

書評

小說試讀:

Events that were objectively worse than what was to follow with Ciaran had taken place in my early adulthood, the sordid checkpoints of the wounded woman. I cannot speak of these things too soon because their names summon like a charm the disinterest of the enlightened reader. The enlightened reader has learned that female suffering is cheap and used cheaply by dishonest women who are looking only for attention—and of all our cardinal sins, seeking attention must surely be up there.

Love was the great consolation, would set ablaze the fields of my sordid life in one go, leaving nothing behind. I thought of it as the great leveller; as a force which would clean me and by its own presence make me worthy of it. There was no religion in my life after early childhood, and a great faith in love was what I had cultivated instead.

The split in me was so wide that these two states could coexist:
1. I knew that my relationship with Ciaran was strange and uneven and not reciprocal and that speaking about its reality would confuse and upset people who loved me

2. I didn’t feel it to be those things.

That is, I could understand that a truthful account of it, according to actual events, would sound disturbing, but I did not feel disturbed by it. It was only that other people would be incapable of understanding the way in which objective reality did not account for its essential truth.

Couldn’t I have made myself immune to men with will and education and pride, in this late century, couldn’t I have had some other great love in my life than for them?

Of course I could, but I did not, and this, my story, is the story of that failure...

 

海外授權

英國(Jonathan Cape)
美國(Little, Brown)
挪威(Cappelen Damm)
義大利(NN Editore)
西班牙(Seix Barral)
德國與巴西(已有報價協商中)